Nada como sentirte a la vuelta de la esquina de mi almohada.
El poder estirar mis dedos congelados y tocar tus piernas ásperas de macho alfa.
Cada segundo que respiras profundo recordándome que elegiste dormir conmigo todas tus noches.
Recordándome que mi casa esta acá, entre tus brazos y sobre tu pecho buscando el ritmo de tu corazón que se va enlenteciendo mientras te hundís en sueño profundo.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
esa tumba no es mía.
me sorprende algo que realmente no me sorprende.
me entristece pero me asegura lo que ya sabía que era asegurado.
no me afecta ni altera la existencia mas que mirar atrás y sonreír por lo abandonado.
nos hace reír y al mismo tiempo pegar una patada sobre el piso, o un puño en la mesa,
como tanto puede cambiar y uno no ser cambiado.
el nudo del estomago por recordar algo que ya había olvidado.
la sonrisa sarcástica de sacar la ficha, y entender algo que sería mejor ni analizarlo.
el pésame, la ironía, lo agridulce que parece amargo.
la capacidad de reinventarse y quedar siempre del mismo lado.
la inhabilidad de abrir los ojos a las obvias mentiras que todos compran con el sueño idealizado.
tristeza cierta, inseguridad palpitante, miedo ajeno.
siempre la misma historia,
redundan las palabras
sobran, se repiten.
y el ciclo no para.
"Gracias a la vida que me ha dado tanto"
me entristece pero me asegura lo que ya sabía que era asegurado.
no me afecta ni altera la existencia mas que mirar atrás y sonreír por lo abandonado.
nos hace reír y al mismo tiempo pegar una patada sobre el piso, o un puño en la mesa,
como tanto puede cambiar y uno no ser cambiado.
el nudo del estomago por recordar algo que ya había olvidado.
la sonrisa sarcástica de sacar la ficha, y entender algo que sería mejor ni analizarlo.
el pésame, la ironía, lo agridulce que parece amargo.
la capacidad de reinventarse y quedar siempre del mismo lado.
la inhabilidad de abrir los ojos a las obvias mentiras que todos compran con el sueño idealizado.
tristeza cierta, inseguridad palpitante, miedo ajeno.
siempre la misma historia,
redundan las palabras
sobran, se repiten.
y el ciclo no para.
"Gracias a la vida que me ha dado tanto"
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
The End Of It
Un dia cambie.
Deje de ser la de antes y me transforme en lo mas temido.
como los superheroes que despues de ser poseidos por el villano comienzan a usar sus poderes para el mal y no para el bien.
la pesadilla temida de Marvel.
Deje de ser yo en resultado final.
sigo siendo de la misma esencia de intensidad.
Mi papa a veces recuerda quien fui.
Sonrie, cuenta historias.
a veces las escucho y me parecen que era de nena molesta.
que ahora estoy mucho mas centrada y calmada.
que logre madurar.
el me mira extraniado y dice que no... que yo no era molesta.
que a el le encantaba...le fasinaba escuchar mis maneras...
despues se le oscurecen los ojos.
mira para el suelo.
se confunde.
siente algun tipo de responsabilidad o culpa.
no entiende ni sabe que me paso.
para el, las explicaciones tienen nombre y apellido.
algo me paso, o paso por mi vida que me rompio.
me cambio.
me ensucio.
me transformo en algo feo.
saco mi brillo y picardia.
a veces pienso en su teoria y me la creo.
despues decido que no es asi,
que me reuso a darle una responsabilidad tan grande a una persona tan insignificate.
tan rota. tan confundida....
igualmente se me hace un nudo en la garganta.
mi papa tiene razón en algo.
en algun momento deje de ser lo que era.
ahora aprendo a apreciar lo que todos dicen que extrañan.
pienso que hubo muchas cosas y personas que me llevaron hasta acá.
pienso que yo podría haber evadido todas las situaciones.
cortado con relaciones venenosas antes que me marquen tanto.
capaz ahora podría ser la de antes....
----------
me hiere no poder ser aquella mujer que mi hombre se merece.
me duele que el tenga que pagar por los errores ajenos.
me enoja que ahora tenga que luchar contra mis ansiedades y miedos.
el se merece todo.
todo lo que alguna vez fue lo mejor de mi ser.
ahora tiene las migajas de mi alegría rota.
-----------
todos pagan...algun dia todos pagan...
---------------
pego un salto fuera de este tren de pensamientos que lleva a la destrucción del ser.
llego a la conclusión que por mas rota que este, estoy acá.
con esta persona que me ama tanto...
que esta dispuesta a hacer lo que sea por que yo vuelva a tener mi intensa manera de vivir en el lado positivo de la vida.
no hay nada mas hermoso que conocer la verdadera esencia del ser de una persona que esta incondicionalmente entregada a protegerte.
nada mas hermoso que la seguridad de ser amada.
nada mas refrescante que saber que nadie se va a ningun lado.
que la vida hay que lucharla juntos.
que hay que decidir ser felices.
que hay que construir un hogar.
que hay que amar por sobre todo.
--------------------
quizas nunca logre ser la que era antes.
voy a ser mejor.
--------------------------
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
10 Things I Know To Be True #26
10 things i know to be true:
1. I cannot do it all. I can't go through life expecting to be perfect or do everything right for everyone. What i can do is love. i can love as hard as i can and open my heart as much as it can possibly be open... i can hope and trust not to get hurt by the people I'm trying to reach, but i will never close my hands to what i can give and receive.
2. I can accept. I can accept people and their stories. I can understand that no one is exempt from hurting or laughter. I can realize that we all have our things we can't control and that sometimes...maybe sometimes we really wish we could. Those things that hurt, not only us, but mostly all. In those moments we really hate them and sometimes we hate ourselves even more. Not being able to go back in time to fix them, not being able to heal the wounded, or to just simply justify them at all...
3. I can grow. I can choose to learn from my experiences. I can choose to learn from yours. I can choose to be a catalyst of change to others. I can choose to just let it go. I can try to be a better person, each day, every day... but i can also learn that change hurts. Sometimes growing means different, and no one ever likes different... not at all. Change is scary, life is even more... but without changing, there isn't growing, and without growing, is it even life at all?
4. I can fly. Flying is a form of freedom, at least that's what i believe... but see, we keep on tying ourselves down to the Earth, as if we could get anything good from it. Sometimes we tie ourselves to money, our job, other's expectations, our past, our insecurities. We should always remember we can fly... the closer we try to be connected to Heaven the better we will feel, the more possibilities we will see, the more flexibility to making choices we will have, and the more peace we will feel when we make the choices that we had.
5. I am not who i think i am. I am not who others see i am. I am not who i write i am. I could never know who i truly am. I can tell you who i think i am, but it'll be only my judgment of who i want to be and how close i am to being that person. I can ask people who they think i am; but that will only give me a reflection of what they are tinted with the reality of what they see in me, and it will be based on the conclusions they get out of the reality we shared together, just a mere collection of experiences viewed through the lenses of their feelings and ideas while we where sharing them. So i can't trust what they say i am, and i can't trust what i see in me. So i am only left with no choice but to believe.... believe that there is a Creator that decided to create me one day. Who has the answers of who i am, how i am, and why i do the things that i do. That's why my life is an endless pursue of that Creator, trying to imitate Him, and to create things just like He does. That's why i write, sing, talk, listen, draw, paint, dance, feel...that's why i live.
6. I have to express myself. Expressing is connecting. Connecting is the purpose of my existence. I can't be quiet and not share the things i find to be true, and i can't expect everyone to agree or even understand why they are true to me now. They might change tomorrow, that's why I'm choosing to share them today. They might be the opposite of someone elses' truth, but that doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, it just means i am. I feel, i live, i learn. I discover new things every day, and i need to take a pause in silence to be able to absorb the essence of what i experience. My journey may be very different from everyone elses', but it is the most important indeed....at least to me... please don't think that i don't appreciate yours too. In the moment that you share your discoveries we connect, and for that moment i become you and you become me, and we both walk away being different people than before.
7. The more i watch children the more i see my own imperfections and flaws. They say you need to have children to understand who you are. I say, i don't need to have them myself, but just with having them around me i get a pretty good idea of what these people meant. I am flawed, i am selfish, and sometimes it comes in small packages of things that don't even matter... just like when you pick up a sugar package for your coffee and realize you actually picked up the sweetener that in the long run will give you cancer. That's why is so hard to even realize that i am all of those things. But when you have kids, that's when you realize them. That's when you start measuring your reactions and words as if they are the last things you will do on Earth. That's when you start feeling that your insecurities actually do affect you and you start getting scared they will come out and hurt them. That's when you have to exercise the amazing concept taught in school of "perspective". When you have to respond to someone elses' need. When you see someone so much more fragile and naive than you, and is up to your maturity to lead their way, to fulfill their emotional needs, to answer their questions and listen to their stories, to hug them, kiss them, to make sure they eat or that when they are sleeping they don't freeze. That's when you realize how imperfect you are... how selfish you can get, and how important is your role. No matter for how long you have them, no matter if they are asking for your help or not, no matter if they are looking at you or not. You have a responsibility to be better, stronger, to act with integrity, to make wise decisions, and decide everyday not to be selfish. To be able to stop and think before you act, and to measure your actual true intentions behind whatever you do.
8. Relationships are hard, but they are the most beautiful thing we have on this Earth. I know that we can't measure all relationships with the same scale. We need to understand that there is more than what the eyes can see..that we can paint a picture of what something should look like, but we can't expect our reality to be the same. We can work towards it, we can have a common goal, we can die trying to reach it, but we can't be ashamed of what we created if our hearts and minds where in tune with each other in the process of making it happen. We can't decide which reality other people should try to get. We can't look at someone elses' painting and criticize it or tear it down just because we didn't like the colors that they decided to use, or the brushes they chose to do it. We can worry about our own painting. We can wake up everyday and choose to make it better, to add glitter, to change colors, to use a thin brush for the details and a thick one to finish faster. The only one who has the divine right to tell you how to paint it is the Creator, who is artist number one and only, but even He takes the back sit and waits for you to come and ask for his advice and intervention.
9. Apologizing doesn't kill. Yes, this is a hard one. For some people is something they learned a long time ago, for me, is something i am still trying to learn. I know it to be true indeed, but i forget to use it most of the time. Usually because it comes with the bad feeling of humility (some people call it inferiority) and with the high risk of rejection (specially when is a big one), so most people try to avoid it as much as they can... but reality is, that the more you avoid it, the bigger it gets, and the bigger it gets the faster it will kill you. oh, wait.. Didn't i just say that it doesn't kill? i meant your Ego. The faster it will kill your Ego.. but then again, isn't your ego more dangerous anyway? Is hard to admit it. But it's true. Apologizing opens doors to so many things we want and need... Th biggest one in my opinion? The one that most of the time is ignored and devalued as something old fashioned, but we so desperately want and need: Intimacy.
10. Being sensitive is a good thing. Being able to experience life at it's fullest. Laughing, crying, laughing again... yes, sometimes to little stupid things, and other times to really big things. Feeling is what drives us to anything we do. The feeling of success, closeness, love, companionship... we get motivated by good feelings to keep on living, and by bad feelings to avoid or reject. Feeling is a part of life. Expressing our feelings is what connects us to each other. Without them we wouldn't be able to create. Don't be afraid to feel. Don't be ashamed to feel. Is who you are, and is how you where created to be. So stand up and praise! Cry if you have to! Laugh with others! Hug them if necessary! Create beautiful things! Love everyone! Dance without caring who is watching! Fly closer to Heaven in everything you do! Ask questions and connect to others with the answers! Whatever you do, don't ever forget to feel...don't ever forget live and share The Love!
1. I cannot do it all. I can't go through life expecting to be perfect or do everything right for everyone. What i can do is love. i can love as hard as i can and open my heart as much as it can possibly be open... i can hope and trust not to get hurt by the people I'm trying to reach, but i will never close my hands to what i can give and receive.
2. I can accept. I can accept people and their stories. I can understand that no one is exempt from hurting or laughter. I can realize that we all have our things we can't control and that sometimes...maybe sometimes we really wish we could. Those things that hurt, not only us, but mostly all. In those moments we really hate them and sometimes we hate ourselves even more. Not being able to go back in time to fix them, not being able to heal the wounded, or to just simply justify them at all...
3. I can grow. I can choose to learn from my experiences. I can choose to learn from yours. I can choose to be a catalyst of change to others. I can choose to just let it go. I can try to be a better person, each day, every day... but i can also learn that change hurts. Sometimes growing means different, and no one ever likes different... not at all. Change is scary, life is even more... but without changing, there isn't growing, and without growing, is it even life at all?
4. I can fly. Flying is a form of freedom, at least that's what i believe... but see, we keep on tying ourselves down to the Earth, as if we could get anything good from it. Sometimes we tie ourselves to money, our job, other's expectations, our past, our insecurities. We should always remember we can fly... the closer we try to be connected to Heaven the better we will feel, the more possibilities we will see, the more flexibility to making choices we will have, and the more peace we will feel when we make the choices that we had.
5. I am not who i think i am. I am not who others see i am. I am not who i write i am. I could never know who i truly am. I can tell you who i think i am, but it'll be only my judgment of who i want to be and how close i am to being that person. I can ask people who they think i am; but that will only give me a reflection of what they are tinted with the reality of what they see in me, and it will be based on the conclusions they get out of the reality we shared together, just a mere collection of experiences viewed through the lenses of their feelings and ideas while we where sharing them. So i can't trust what they say i am, and i can't trust what i see in me. So i am only left with no choice but to believe.... believe that there is a Creator that decided to create me one day. Who has the answers of who i am, how i am, and why i do the things that i do. That's why my life is an endless pursue of that Creator, trying to imitate Him, and to create things just like He does. That's why i write, sing, talk, listen, draw, paint, dance, feel...that's why i live.
6. I have to express myself. Expressing is connecting. Connecting is the purpose of my existence. I can't be quiet and not share the things i find to be true, and i can't expect everyone to agree or even understand why they are true to me now. They might change tomorrow, that's why I'm choosing to share them today. They might be the opposite of someone elses' truth, but that doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, it just means i am. I feel, i live, i learn. I discover new things every day, and i need to take a pause in silence to be able to absorb the essence of what i experience. My journey may be very different from everyone elses', but it is the most important indeed....at least to me... please don't think that i don't appreciate yours too. In the moment that you share your discoveries we connect, and for that moment i become you and you become me, and we both walk away being different people than before.
7. The more i watch children the more i see my own imperfections and flaws. They say you need to have children to understand who you are. I say, i don't need to have them myself, but just with having them around me i get a pretty good idea of what these people meant. I am flawed, i am selfish, and sometimes it comes in small packages of things that don't even matter... just like when you pick up a sugar package for your coffee and realize you actually picked up the sweetener that in the long run will give you cancer. That's why is so hard to even realize that i am all of those things. But when you have kids, that's when you realize them. That's when you start measuring your reactions and words as if they are the last things you will do on Earth. That's when you start feeling that your insecurities actually do affect you and you start getting scared they will come out and hurt them. That's when you have to exercise the amazing concept taught in school of "perspective". When you have to respond to someone elses' need. When you see someone so much more fragile and naive than you, and is up to your maturity to lead their way, to fulfill their emotional needs, to answer their questions and listen to their stories, to hug them, kiss them, to make sure they eat or that when they are sleeping they don't freeze. That's when you realize how imperfect you are... how selfish you can get, and how important is your role. No matter for how long you have them, no matter if they are asking for your help or not, no matter if they are looking at you or not. You have a responsibility to be better, stronger, to act with integrity, to make wise decisions, and decide everyday not to be selfish. To be able to stop and think before you act, and to measure your actual true intentions behind whatever you do.
8. Relationships are hard, but they are the most beautiful thing we have on this Earth. I know that we can't measure all relationships with the same scale. We need to understand that there is more than what the eyes can see..that we can paint a picture of what something should look like, but we can't expect our reality to be the same. We can work towards it, we can have a common goal, we can die trying to reach it, but we can't be ashamed of what we created if our hearts and minds where in tune with each other in the process of making it happen. We can't decide which reality other people should try to get. We can't look at someone elses' painting and criticize it or tear it down just because we didn't like the colors that they decided to use, or the brushes they chose to do it. We can worry about our own painting. We can wake up everyday and choose to make it better, to add glitter, to change colors, to use a thin brush for the details and a thick one to finish faster. The only one who has the divine right to tell you how to paint it is the Creator, who is artist number one and only, but even He takes the back sit and waits for you to come and ask for his advice and intervention.
9. Apologizing doesn't kill. Yes, this is a hard one. For some people is something they learned a long time ago, for me, is something i am still trying to learn. I know it to be true indeed, but i forget to use it most of the time. Usually because it comes with the bad feeling of humility (some people call it inferiority) and with the high risk of rejection (specially when is a big one), so most people try to avoid it as much as they can... but reality is, that the more you avoid it, the bigger it gets, and the bigger it gets the faster it will kill you. oh, wait.. Didn't i just say that it doesn't kill? i meant your Ego. The faster it will kill your Ego.. but then again, isn't your ego more dangerous anyway? Is hard to admit it. But it's true. Apologizing opens doors to so many things we want and need... Th biggest one in my opinion? The one that most of the time is ignored and devalued as something old fashioned, but we so desperately want and need: Intimacy.
10. Being sensitive is a good thing. Being able to experience life at it's fullest. Laughing, crying, laughing again... yes, sometimes to little stupid things, and other times to really big things. Feeling is what drives us to anything we do. The feeling of success, closeness, love, companionship... we get motivated by good feelings to keep on living, and by bad feelings to avoid or reject. Feeling is a part of life. Expressing our feelings is what connects us to each other. Without them we wouldn't be able to create. Don't be afraid to feel. Don't be ashamed to feel. Is who you are, and is how you where created to be. So stand up and praise! Cry if you have to! Laugh with others! Hug them if necessary! Create beautiful things! Love everyone! Dance without caring who is watching! Fly closer to Heaven in everything you do! Ask questions and connect to others with the answers! Whatever you do, don't ever forget to feel...don't ever forget live and share The Love!
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